


When You’re Not Here With Me (How Am I Supposed To Breathe?)

by clownchronicles



Category: Queen (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blowjobs, Break Up, Cheating, Cheating Roger Taylor, Depression, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Makeups, Maybe - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Possible Brian May/Tim Staffell, Post-Break Up, References to Depression, Reunion Sex, Roger is an ass, Sad Brian May, Suicidal Thoughts, author is indecisive, brian goes through a lot, brian is extremely broken, fred and john are amazing friends, i won’t accept any slander against him, like a lot, maybe not, not proof read at all, oh my god there is gonna be so much angst, tim staffell is a great fucking friend
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:34:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27551617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clownchronicles/pseuds/clownchronicles
Summary: Brian isn’t sure what happened. He isn’t able to understand when the fights between them began to happen, when things between them started getting bad. He wonders if it’s his fault. Had he not been paying attention? Was there something he could have done, something to have prevented this? He wasn’t really sure of anything anymore. Except for one thing.Roger Taylor was once the love of his life.Scratch that, he still was.
Relationships: Brian May/Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Freddie Mercury
Comments: 8
Kudos: 25





	When You’re Not Here With Me (How Am I Supposed To Breathe?)

**Author's Note:**

> guess who’s back with a new story lmao . i started writing this in the middle of the night when the idea came to me and i could not get it out of my head until i wrote it all down . there is going to be multiple chapters to this and i will update each one as quickly as i can . i really hope u enjoy this story and pls let me know what u think ! 
> 
> quick note : this fic is heavily inspired by the song breathe by little mix so go give that a listen !

Brian isn’t sure what happened. He isn’t able to understand when the fights between them began to happen, when things between them started getting bad. He wonders if it’s his fault. Had he not been paying attention? Was there something he could have done, something to have prevented this? He wasn’t really sure of anything anymore. Except for one thing.

Roger Taylor was once the love of his life.   
  


Scratch that, he still was.

Roger Taylor, his best mate since college, the man he practically fell in love with at first sight, his soulmate. He recalls when they first met, bumping into him as he had been rushing to a class he was already late for, and he recalls the way they both smiled at each other, immediately taken with each other. After a couple of introductions and some small talk, Brian awkwardly asked the blond if he wanted to grab a cup of coffee when his class was over and he could remember the faint flutter in his chest when Roger agreed and wrote down his number on the back of his hand.

They ended up kissing that same day when Brian had offered to walk Roger back to his dorm room after their meetup and the blond made him promise to call him. 

And Brian did call him. Within a week, they had gotten into each other’s pants, spending their free time tangled in each other’s bedsheets and Brian was sure that he was falling in love with Roger at that point. 

During their time in school, they met another couple, Freddie and John who couldn’t have been more different if they tried. While Freddie was outgoing and flamboyant, John was shy and timid, though he did have his moments of boldness. They all got on extremely well and while Freddie and Brian were in their final year together, Roger was still in his second while John was in his first, the younger pair often getting into trouble together and the older pair scolding them like parents.

When Brian graduated, he found a job as a math teacher at a secondary school and bought a small flat in London. Roger moved in with him while he finished up his final years at the university before graduating and landing his own job as a part - time researcher in a biology lab downtown. They both were very happy with their jobs and the lives they were beginning to build for themselves. Along with two other great friends, life couldn’t have been better for them. Everything was perfect.

At least, that what’s Brian thought.

Until about two years in living together, he found Roger growing distant from him. Extremely distant. It started simple at first, when he wouldn’t kiss Brian good morning every morning like he normally did. Or he would sometimes decline the older man’s offer of joining him in the shower. Then, the sex stopped. Which was very unusual considering the blond seemed to always be ready to go several rounds no matter the time of day. He would come home from work and Brian would wrap him in his arms, pressing a kiss to his lips and stroking his hip before Roger would shrug him off, claiming he was too tired from work. And Brian would be perfectly fine with that because he loved Roger and he didn’t need constant sex to survive. Though, he’d admit that he missed it. Eventually, it got to the point of Roger coming home late, hours after he was already supposed to be home. Brian would ask what had taken him so long and he would give the same excuse of having extra work to do without even looking him in the eye. Some nights, he didn’t come home until hours after Brian had gone to sleep. At least, he thought the man was asleep, but thanks to Brian’s insomniac as well as his rising anxiety, he would always be awake to hear Roger sneaking through the door. 

He had started to wonder if Roger still loved him. And then he would immediately shrug that thought off, because _of course_ Roger loved him. He was just going through a hard time right now and Brian was just being selfish. The thought would still linger in the back of his mind, though, whenever he found himself alone at night. Or when his boyfriend would come home with his shirt undone and his hair a mess. 

Everytime Brian asked him about it, Roger would scoff and tell him it was nothing and that he was just making a big deal out of it. 

And as much as he tried, as much as he wanted to force himself, Brian couldn’t find it inside himself to believe him. 

Eventually, his suspicions about everything raised fights and they would often go to bed upset because Brian would ask what was going on and Roger would yell at him that he was being stupid and that everything was fine.

Brian felt his heart break with every passing day because _no_ , everything was definitely not fine. 

When he decided to tell everything that was going on to Freddie and John, two people he knew wouldn’t yell at him for this, they both gave him looks of pity and Brian knew that they were thinking the exact same thing he was. It led him to breaking down in tears and the two of them consoling him while he felt his heart crack even more. 

Sometimes, he could fool himself into believing that Roger loved him and that everything was fine. Sometimes, the blond wouldn’t come home so late and wouldn’t ignore Brian as he walked inside the house. He would allow the older man to hug him and would hug him back. He would kiss him back and they would hold each other on the couch or in the bed, and Brian would convince himself that everything was fine. That _they_ were fine.

And then everything fell apart. 

One afternoon, Roger had came home unreasonably early, before Brian had even got off work, and was sitting on the couch when Brian walked in, an uneasy look on his face. Brian greeted him with a hug and kiss as he always did but Roger had pushed him off, telling him they needed to talk. 

Brian had felt his heart rate spike as he sat down next to him on the couch, taking notice in the way Roger turned from him.

And then Brian felt his world freeze to a halt when he heard Roger speak again.

“I’m leaving you.” 

It left him speechless, wondering if he actually heard what he thought he heard, or if he misheard. 

“Brian?” 

He made no movement to speak as his body felt paralyzed as he tried to understand what he was just told. The news refused to sink in, still floating above his mind as he kept his eyes glued on Roger’s tensed face. 

“You.. what?” He muttered softly. 

Roger sighed, finally looking Brian in the eye and Brian swore he saw a flicker of sadness in his eyes. 

“I said I’m leaving you, Brian. I’m leaving.” He moved to stand and Brian had reached out to grab his arm but Roger quickly shoved him away.

Brian was beginning to understand what was happening, the words slowly settling in, and he felt tears well in his eyes as he looked up at Roger in confusion.

“Why?” He asked, voice shaking.

Roger didn’t face him as he dropped his shoulders, head hanging low. He stayed silent for a moment and each passing second felt like an eternity for Brian before he finally spoke.

“I met someone else.” He admitted quietly and for a second time, Brian felt the world around him momentarily freeze.

“You.. met someone else? What do you mean?” Brian asked, praying that Roger wasn’t about to say what he knew he was going to.

“Jesus Brian, you know exactly what I mean! I met someone else! A woman! Alright? Do you understand me now?” Roger yelled the words, voice getting louder towards the end of his speech and Brian could feel his blood run cold at the angry look on his face when he turned around.

Brian really didn’t understand him but he didn’t say that. 

Roger met someone else? A woman? What did this woman have that Brian didn’t? What did she too differently that attracted Roger to her and not him? Was he too clingy? Too needy? He wracked his brain, trying to come up with possible reasons as to why Roger was leaving him for another woman. A giant one smacked him right in the face and it was the worst possible reason he could have come up with. Because it was probably the only one. 

“Do you.. Do you not love me anymore?” He asked, voice laced with hurt as he stared up at Roger hopelessly. If he did still love Brian, then he had a fighting chance at winning Roger back. He could change whatever it was about him that hadn’t satisfied the blond and could make him happy again. If he didn’t love him anymore, Brian didn’t think he would be able to take that. It would be his worst possible nightmare come true. 

Roger looked down at his shoes, unable to look Brian in the eye and that alone was enough for him to already know his answer. He felt his heart break in his chest as Roger ran his hand threw his shaggy hair.

“No,” He said, and that one word shattered everything inside him. “I.. I don’t.” 

Brian felt a rush of hot tears begin to pour from his eyes and stream down his cheeks, soaking his face in salty water as he collapsed to the floor, letting out choked sobs as Roger watched him from above. 

The man only gave him a quiet goodbye as he set his key for the flat, _their_ flat, down on the coffee table. 

And then he was out the door and seemingly out of Brian’s life.

The breakup had happened nearly six months ago, and still, Brian found himself waking up in a cold sweat nearly every morning as the events from the past played through his mind on a loop. 

Today had been no different as the man found himself waking up alone in what used to be his and Roger’s bed, but was now just his. It hurt him to look over and find nothing but a blank spot next to him. A blank spot that used to be filled by the light in his life, his sunshine. His love. 

And now it was cold and empty. Just like the rest of the flat. Brian often didn’t leave the bedroom, the memory of Roger’s presence still lingering around what was once their shared home too hard and too painful for him to face. So, he usually just stayed in bed all day, sometimes crying and sometimes staring at the ceiling, wondering what he could have done better to stop Roger from leaving him. 

When Roger first left him, six months ago, Brian had gone through a whirlwind of emotions. At first, he still couldn’t process it. Then, when he did process it, he denied that it happened, trying to convince himself it was a bad dream. After a couple of weeks of failing to convince himself, Brian finally realized that Roger actually _did_ say those god awful things to him and actually _did_ leave him, and he soon found himself growing angry. One night, when he found an old bottle of whiskey, he drank the whole bottle straight before getting absolutely piss drunk and angry as hell. He found himself being angry at Roger, angry at the woman he was now with, and mostly angry at himself for letting him slip away. A hot streak of absolute madness had surged through him and before he knew it, he had punched a hole straight through his living room wall. When he woke up to a throbbing hand the next morning, he was disgusted at himself but also found slight comfort in the pain, which subsided to dull ache as the days went by. Before he knew it, he was falling into his old patterns of drinking heavily when he had no other way to cope with his depression but luckily, Freddie and John were there to put a stop to it before it became too late. They forbade him from drinking anything alcoholic and made Brian swear he would call them if he felt himself spiraling like that again. With the alcohol no longer there to fuel his rage, he found himself settling into the depression stage which was, to him, the hardest stage for him. He spent his time locked in his room, feeling completely worthless and heartbroken as his mind flashed with images of Roger and when they were together. 

When Brian was happy. 

The blond, truth be told, was the love of Brian’s life and he wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to move on. Even if Roger had. Which wasn’t really fair, he thought, that Roger was able to drop Brian so quickly to find someone else to make him happy while Brian was left to pick up the pieces all by himself without being given a second thought.

He supposed, however, that he deserved since he apparently wasn’t a good enough partner. He wasn’t good enough that Roger had to go out and find someone else to satisfy him. A woman. A woman named Dominique, he learned through Freddie and John before Roger apparently dumped them too. He’d been able to put the pieces together to realize that Roger was most likely seeing this Dominique the entire time they had been facing problems in their relationship. Each night he had come home late had probably been an evening spent at her place. Her place, where they probably had sex and kissed and Roger would hold her and whisper sweet nothings about how much he loved her just like he used to do with Brian.

The thought of it all sent horrible pains shooting through Brian’s heart and he let out a choked whimper as he was once again reminded that the love of his life didn’t love him anymore. 

“Fuck me.” He cursed out sadly, throwing his arm over his face and squeezing his eyes shut. He felt tears begin to well in his eyes and he willed them way as he moaned in pain, his heart clenching painfully in his chest. He felt that scratch of facial hair against his skin, a beard now evident on his face as he had let his depression and heartbreak get in the way of taking care of himself. He hadn’t showered in days either, but couldn’t be bothered to do anything about it, though, even when he cringed at himself in the mirror, repulsed by what he saw. Brian knew he looked disgusting, but he felt disgusting and he supposed there was no use in doing anything about it.

He heard a knock at his front door and opened his eyes, his sobs quieting down. He already knew who it was: Fred and John. After the breakup, the couple immediately went to Brian’s side, comforting him through everything while his life was torn to pieces and he began to lose the will to live. They checked on him everyday, calling him in the morning and texting him at night. A couple days a week, they would come by the flat to make sure he ate, dragged him to the shower when he hadn’t bathed in days, and talk to him while they held him in their arms. All in all, they simply kept him going, helping him avoid drowning in his own feelings (and liquor). He felt bad for it all, they shouldn’t have to take care of Brian all the time. He was a grown man, he should be able to handle it on his own. But he was also unbelievably grateful because without them, he truly wouldn’t have made it. 

They knocked again and he slowly dragged himself out of bed, body aching with every movement made. As he staggered to the door and opened it, the two men immediately smiled at him thought he could see the pity in their eyes.

“Hello, my love.” Freddie greeted softly, leaning in to kiss his patchy cheek.

Brian made a sound similar to a caveman’s grunt in reply as John leaned in to do the same.

“We brought you a few things.” He said, holding up a plastic bag. 

Brian raised an eyebrow, looking between the two.

“I don’t need anything.” He whispered, voice hoarse and broken from its lack of use.

“Don’t worry, darling, it isn’t too much.” Freddie reassured with a wave of his hand.

Their versions of too much were very different.

He looked to John who only nodded and he sighed, too exhausted to even try and put up a fight.

“Alright, ” He agreed wearily, standing back to let them in. “Come on in.” 

They both gave him another smile as they walked inside and he turned to shut the door behind him. As he turned back around, John was setting the bag on the counter while Freddie sauntered over to his record player in the corner of the room. Brian watched as he scanned his collection of vinyls before picking one out and setting it up, the soft voice of Stevie Nicks soon floating into the air as _Dreams_ began to play.

Brian almost laughed at the irony of the song, the lyrics of a tragic breakup floating inside his mind and only reminding him of his own. He didn’t voice any of his complaints, especially not when Freddie began to sing along and he heard John hum quietly as well. No, he wasn’t _that_ much of a prick.

Instead, he tried focusing on something else. Like what they had brought him. 

“So, what’s in the bags?” He asked, walking over and eyeing it. John handed him the first bag and he peered inside it, reaching in and pulling out several items. He pulled out a few bottles of shampoo and conditioner, along with some body wash and a few bottles of different types of lotion. He stared at the pile in front of him before glancing back up at the other two men.

“What’s all this for?” He asked quietly. 

Freddie quit his singing and turned around. “For you, darling. We noticed you were running low on a few things and we decided to help out. Consider it like a care package.” 

Brian had to stop himself from scoffing at that, he didn’t want them going out of their way to buy things for him now. He put all the items back in the bag and turned to grab the other two bags, wondering what else they wasted their money on for him.

“Just some groceries.” John clarified as if he could read Brian’s thoughts. “Some cereal, juice, tea, canned soup..” 

“Guys,” Brian sighed, looking up to face them. He felt his eyes burn as guilt filled him and he shook his head, pushing the bags out of his way. “You don’t need to spend your money on me, I’m fine — ”

“But you aren’t fine.” Freddie cut in, a frown now set on his face. “Brian, it’s been months. You barely leave your room and you forget to eat and shower... We know you haven’t been sleeping either. You’ve got a beard, you’re losing weight — ”

“Yeah, I’m aware of what a pathetic loser I’ve become Fred.” He responded curtly, rolling his eyes. “You don’t need to remind me about it.” 

“I wasn’t saying that at all, dear.” 

He felt John’s arms wrap around him along with his chin rest against his shoulder and Brian leaned into the hold, trying not to break down.

“We know it’s hard for you and we just want to help.” John murmured to him, squeezing him tighter. “We’re always here for you, you know.” He felt Freddie grab his hand and he squinted, trying desperately to hold back his tears because he didn’t want to cry in front of them and show how broken he actually was. Though, he was sure they already knew.

“It’s so hard,” He croaked, throat feeling thick with swallowed cries. “It’s so hard without him. I miss him so much.” Saying it was hard was a heavy understatement because it felt almost fucking impossible to just carry on everyday without Roger there with him. Everyday he wondered what he did wrong and why he wasn’t good enough, why Roger would hurt him like that. How could someone love you unconditionally one day and then leave you behind for someone else the next? 

He wasn’t aware he was crying until he was suddenly on the floor gasping for air as choked sobs left his mouth, tears flooding down his cheeks. He was able to register Freddie and John on each side of him, John stroking his hair and squeezing him close while Freddie whispered sweetly into his ear and squeezed his hand. 

“Brian, it’s alright. It’s alright, just let it all out. You’re gonna be okay, we’re right here.”

He continued to cry as both men held him through it, letting all the tears he pushed down over time finally break out, pouring down his face in hot streaks and staining his cheeks. He cried until he felt he couldn’t cry anymore and the other two simply let him as they knew he needed this more than anything. Eventually, his loud sobs quieted down to soft whimpers before dying down to small sniffles and he felt a wave of exhaustion hit him like a freight train. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed, how long he spent crying but it felt like it had been hours. It quite possibly could have been, he hadn’t been aware of how badly he needed to cry. 

“Oh my god..” He mumbled, eyes wet and nose stuffy as he laid his head back against the wall and shut his eyes. He felt a pair of hands brush his sweaty hair out of his face while another pair wiped the tears from his cheeks and then felt a pair of kisses being pressed to each cheek. 

“Do you feel a bit better now?” He could make the voice out as John’s, the soft tone ringing in his ears and calming him down.

He nodded slowly, keeping his eyes shut as he panted quietly, trying to even his breath.

“Sometimes all you need is a good cry.” Freddie remarked.

Brian couldn’t have agreed more. 

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what u guys think so far ! comments are greatly appreciated and motivate me to write more <33


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